The Narcissistic Family Tree

I had my daughter on Valentine’s day in 2010. I was 3 months pregnant when I found out about her and she was my brother’s friends child. Danny and I had broken up twice before I found out and I wasn’t very interested in having a relationship with him. My brother, the one who likes to comment, was emotionally abusive throughout my pregnancy. I was working at a restaurant in Pretoria, I was living with my parents, and I only got kicked out when Amber was about a year and a half. My mother continued to babysit for me but I, a waitress, who lived with my ex, Damien and his new girlfriend, and her son. I rented a room in a duplex, I lived with two friends and babysat their child. Everything was fine until I met a guy named Mike.

Mike was Greek, he used drugs, drank a lot. Mike lied to me about his age and ended up being very abusive. I broke up with Mike because I was struggling to juggle my relationship with him, my job and my daughter. I lost my job, I hadn’t yet lost my daughter. When my mother got personally involved at the restaurant and Mike had put enough pressure on me for my time, I cracked. I wasn’t working anymore so my mother didn’t have to look after Amber. I was in an abusive relationship and I wanted no support from my family.

A couple of months after losing my job, I broke up with mike and the only thing I could get was a bar tab at a club. My ex and his girlfriend, my friend’s, not strangers in a commune. My friends were the ones who would babysit for me that night. Puddy, another of my brother’s friends went out with me that night. We got home early hours of the morning and Damien lost it. Told me it was the last time he would babysit, that I mustn’t leave again, and then he phoned my mom and the welfare.

My parents rocked up there while I was smoking a joint on the lawn in my garden and they picked up my daughter and took her away. Apparently this is a welfare case. I don’t know, all I know is that my parents asked me for custody shortly after, I obliged, I thought it was the best thing for my daughter. For about a year, I was seeing my daughter regularly and my parents even allowed her to sleep over at my house. I loved it. I was apart of her life and her physical needs were being taken care of by the people who raised me. Then they moved, relocated to a different city after I had been in a relationship for a year and a half, they offered to take me with, only me. Knowing that I wouldn’t break up with Cecil.

I willingly, knowing that my daughter, would be in a better place, gave my parents custody of my daughter. I knew I was in no state to raise my daughter. The man I dated, Cecil, was for seven years. He and I were abusive, it was a two way thing, but I left my daughter with my parents because I knew that they could better take care of her. They told me that they would happily look into it when I was ready to take care of her, to give custody back. Now I’m trying to take away their child? While we all lived together in Pretoria; I saw her as often as I could, visits with my parents were brief and stressful, but, eventually we were allowed to take her with us, away from my parents house. Amber was never really nice to me over my visits, but she was a darling then. I loved seeing her anyway, it doesn’t matter what she treats me like. One year, Christmas, my brother, who I hadn’t seen in eight years, rocked up. We all moved to the same city two years later and up until my wedding, we were all seeing each other, everyone was speaking to each other, Everything was fine.

Until I asked my mother to consider, whether or not, I could have custody of my daughter. Until then, everything was cool. Things between my mother and I, was cool. Things between my sister and I, was cool. Everything was cool, to the touch, on the surface. Then I asked the question with the “C” word; then all of the sudden things exploded. My mother was sending me scathing messages, arguing with me, my brother was telling me “to back off”, my sister is telling me “she doesn’t know what it’s like to have a sister”, told my daughter to “listen to your fucking mother”, my father isn’t speaking to me and the only one of them all; that sees this for what this is, cannot be expected, to fight my fight, with these people, for me.

So I asked for custody of my daughter, I have been denied by everyone, discarded by my father, alienated from my daughter and over 34 years of abuse has revealed itself to me. This is my story. This is the Narcissistic family tree.

Since my parents took my daughter, I have cleaned up my act and gotten married. We hope to have a child of our own, hope to give my daughter, a stress free and happy life. We just want to live free of their judgements and criticism because they do not like who we are. I want her to live a life where she is not bound by loyalty or abused and neglected. Where she doesn’t have to feel responsible for other people’s happiness. Where like me, my daughter isn’t judged or belittled. Where she is loved for who she is not what her mother does. That is all I asked. The responsibility to raise my daughter. Not a question for judgement, fear and hurt.